When it comes to controversy, I always have an opinion.

Today’s hot topic: gay marriage.

In the ever-increasing drama over marriage, many gay Americans find themselves staunchly defending their position — whether it’s bareback, missionary-style, or strictly oral.

Today, we shall attempt to unearth the truth behind the recent firestorm ignited by California’s Proposition 8.

Personally, I find the whole thing positively absurd. Marriage is an institution — a unique club, if you will. It was created by heterosexuals thousands of years ago as a celebration of the union between a man and a woman.

Today, homosexuals in America receive the greatest protection and acceptance than at any other time in history. As a matter of fact, most heterosexuals have neither a problem with gay people nor their desire to be recognized in a union.

The problem arises in the sharing of the title, “Marriage”.

You see, “Donald Trump” and “Oprah Winfrey” are unique titles as well. One does not need to share their particular title in order to be recognized as equal. “Joe Smith” or “Jane McGillicuddy” will work just as nicely in America.

Likewise, changing your name to “Donald Trump” or “Oprah Winfrey” will not entitle you to their talents nor their bank accounts… you will always be You deep down inside.

Now that we have titles down, hopefully you recognize that it isn’t important what we call ourselves, just that titles are unique qualifiers that help us differentiate between one and another. And that isn’t a bad thing. Can you imagine calling for a dog in a room full of “Rovers”? Silly now, isn’t it!

Finally, for those of you who insist on putting salt in the pepper shaker, think about this: Do you really think the salt shaker is any less valuable? Or do you secretly think that salt, once safely inside, magically turns into pepper?

Or truthfully now — do you simply want to force the world to eat your spepper?

Cheerio! Jolly good!